MURPHY'S LAW: mystery of the missing mole

Dave has really great skin. Especially on his back. He maybe has 3 hairs on his shoulders, depending on his hair cycle. Thats is. Its smooth and soft and delightful to the touch, but he has these 2 gigantic greek moles on his back. He told me he wanted to get them removed, but never did because he had a huge one on his arm removed and now there is a shiny scar on his arm about the size of a lime. Not worth it.

But then I come along with my "voodoo hippy magic cures" and had just the solution. Its a salve called Can-X used to remove any growth on the skin, and can also be taken internally in a pill form to remove cancer. I got it from my dad, he is the real genius when it comes to this kind of stuff. My mom removed a mole, so I knew it would work, and with just a little sweet talk Dave was ready to try it.

First you have to poke the skin with a needle just around the mole, then you put the salve on. Dave said it really stung, but not unbearable. After the first day you just clean it off and put on vaseline and a bandaid. Every morning after he showered, I would slather on some more vaseline and put on a new bandaid. At first it was totally fine and didn't bother me at all, and then it got NASTY! The salve starts eating around the mole (where I poked the holes). So the hole gets deeper and deeper, and the mole gets looser, but it stayed attached at the "root" for about a week. It was mushy and gushy and I could hardly look at it anymore. It was making me gag every morning, but I started it, so I couldn't abandon the mole now.

So one night...in the middle of sexy time...and I swear I am not trying to write this like a romance novel ha ha, I reached around Dave to rub his back. I just put my hand down and and left it there. Now obviously my mind was only registering one thing at a time, and it wasn't focusing on my hand or where my hand was or what my hand might be touching. I felt something wetish on my hand, but I had a way delayed reaction to what it could possibly be. Then it hit me! I jumped of the bed and screamed. I started doing the spider dance (you know the one where you think there is a spider on you so you jump on one foot, brushing your hands all over your body, mostly on your shoulders and arms. You shake your hands in the air incase the spider has somehow survived the vigorous jumping and might be spinning a web in between your fingers. And of course you shake out your hair cause if the spider layed her eggs in your hair, well you're going to die. Yeah, I did that dance. And yep, I did it naked) I can only imagine what was going on in Dave's mind. Wondering what in the world did he do to cause that kind of a reaction. Ha ha ha

I screamed, "YOUR MOLE!!!" We both instantly started cracking up. He knew exactly what I meant. By now we are laughing so hard we are almost in tears. Our stomachs hurt so bad from laughing so hard. Just because of the whole situation. How could you not laugh?

In the bathroom light, we discovered that sure enough, the mole was gone, and the whole was gone. In its place was fresh pink skin. Dave was so excited to find it cause he wanted to examine the underside of the mole. We started looking on the bed, and it was no where to be found. I took off all the sheets and shook everything out, while he watched, hoping to see his mole come flying out. Then we searched the floors with a fine tooth comb. No where. We even looked on the walls and shelves, thinking maybe I flung it off my hand in the middle of my dance. Ha Ha. It wasn't anywhere. How could something so big and dark just completely disappear against our beige sheets and light carpet color?

We never found the thing. We looked everyday for a while, but eventually we just gave up. When we moved, we joked that maybe it would pop up, but no, its still gone. Maybe it dehydrated and shriveled up when it came off his body? Who knows? All I know is that is definitely one way to ruin the mood!

WARNING! THESE PICTURES ARE NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!!!
(but I want you to feel my pain for how nasty it was!)